I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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