please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
