R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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