i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
