i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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