I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
