The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
