I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
