You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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