I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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