Sorry, I don't speak sober.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize