Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
