how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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