everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
sarcasm needs its own font
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
