Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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