At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
