I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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