I have demons in me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
