My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
