haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
