I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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