I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
