she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he fucked my hip out of place.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
