I didn't shave. On purpose
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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