I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
