I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Oh god it's open bar.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
