I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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