Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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