there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
