Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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