How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
