He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
