Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pants are for mortals
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
