She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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