chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
