we made out on top of his cat.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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