Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
