So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
