How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
