When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
