the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Mom said you looked used
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
