did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize