Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
