Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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