She is in my trunk
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
