Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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