come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
