"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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