rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
