Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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