Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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