Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
