Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
