i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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