i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We left the knife in your bed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Randomize
