I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
