i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
