You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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