Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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