dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
