She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
