Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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