i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
