I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
