You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
