I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
