Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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