I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
