just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
