theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
