afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
