I hate your face
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
