"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
