OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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