someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
